I'm Good

Mardi Gras is a time of joy and fun here in New Orleans.  Everyone is laughing and dancing in the streets, trumpets blast upbeat and catchy music in every direction, and people from all walks of life come out dressed in colorful costumes. Krewes ride huge and elaborate floats, throwing beads, doubloons, and cups to the adoring crowds below.  Nothing quite gets a person’s heart pumping like the excitement that is Mardi Gras in New Orleans. 

But in the midst of all the fun, I can’t get that man out of my head. 

“He didn’t mean anything by it. He was just kidding.” 

I lied to myself and pretended that everything was okay because if I dwell on what happened I know I’ll start crying.  But his face keeps popping up every time I blink.  I could have stopped it. He approached me and began flirting, and I returned the favor, dismissing it as just a little Mardi Gras fun. The next thing I know he’s beckoning me to put my foot through a green, lace garter, and for some reason I agreed.  I don’t know why.  I guess in the moment I just assumed maybe he would stop at my knee.  But he didn’t. 

I can’t get his face out of my head--that crooked smile and creepy, glazed eyes that kept contact with mine as his hands wrapped that green, lace chain around my thigh. His disgusting fingers kept creeping higher up my leg, and I froze.  He knew what he was doing, and I didn’t do anything to stop him.  Maybe it’s my fault. I guess I should have said something. 

“Nah, it was all in good fun.  I’m sure he didn’t mean to get that close to me.”

The day went on and parades floated down their routes. I danced and caught beads and cups galore, yet my mind is elsewhere. It’s like a thick fog entered into my brain, and I can’t focus on anything.  I feel alone even though I’m surrounded by thousands of people.  And not the kind of alone where you go grocery shopping by yourself, but the kind of isolation that comes when you’re trying to hold every emotion together because you don’t want anyone to know what’s going on inside your mind. You build up a wall for the sake of others because you don’t want to ruin their party by letting them see you struggle.  

I reach out and grab my boyfriend’s hand because he’s the only thing keeping me from breaking down. As long as he’s here I feel safe.  Actually, he’s the only thing keeping me from running away, crouching in a corner, and hiding for the rest of the afternoon. He glances over at me, and I know he can tell something’s wrong. But I won’t show weakness. So I just keep smiling.  “I’m good.”

Once I finally got home, I let out every emotion I bottled up all day flow through my eyes. I shower and try to feel clean again, but I can’t help but feel icky and dirty. I crawl into bed, curl up under my weighted blanket, and sob into my pillow like a baby. But no amount of tears can erase what happened. The parade rolled almost eight hours ago, but I can still feel his fingers sliding up my leg. 

I finally pull myself together long enough to put words to what happened to me today: That perverted man sexually harassed me in front of thousands of people, and it’s likely that no one even noticed.  He probably doesn’t even remember my face or his actions, and yet I’m here sitting on my bed feeling violated and disgusting.  

Sexual harassment isn’t a joke.  Both women and men face sexual harassment every single day and often I’m a part of the crowd not paying attention.  Despite the horror of today’s events, I did learn one thing.  I need to use my experience to open my eyes to those suffering around me. 

What about the people who don’t have a boyfriend who makes them feel safe and reassures them of their worth?  What about those who don’t know the Ultimate Source of Love and Protection?  I can tell you right now, if I didn’t know that my value comes from being a new creation in Christ Jesus, I probably would have reacted even worse. 

That man may have hurt me, but he didn’t destroy me. He only reassured me of humanity’s faults and the world’s need for Christ.  This world is evil and in need of a Savior, and I’m going to pray that the man who violated me will come to repentance and salvation.  I’m also going to do everything I can to pay attention to those in the crowd who are suffering because now my eyes are open even wider.  

What happened to me was evil.  But God can use even the most evil of situations to bring glory to Himself, and that’s my prayer.