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“I never want to be a mom. That’s just too much and it isn’t for me. Not all women are called to be moms, and I’m definitely not.”
I thought this for years, from high school into college and even for a while in seminary. I wasn’t against marriage, but I didn’t want kids. I just wanted to live my life for myself and have fun traveling the world, and children wouldn’t allow me to have that freedom. The irony is that my own parents traveled the world with me and my brother alongside them, so children definitely don’t have to hinder travel. But that’s what I thought.
I also didn’t want the responsibility that children require. I didn’t want to be tied down, helping with homework and carting the kids to various activities. I didn’t want to worry about anyone else but myself, and I just didn’t see children fitting into the ideal picture for my life. Sure, I’d go visit my friends’ kids when they had them, and I’d love them and care for them as a babysitter, but I sure didn’t want to take them home with me.
And can we talk about childbirth? Because pushing a head out of my body is absolutely terrifying. I have a lot of pain tolerance, but I sure don’t have that much. And then you have to somehow keep them alive after all that pain, enduring sleepless nights and lots of dirty diapers. I’ll tell you a secret… I’m still not the biggest fan of babies. They’re cute sometimes, but they’re also pretty gross.
By now, you probably think I’m the most selfish woman on the planet. What woman doesn’t want to have and care for children? What woman doesn’t want to be a mother? Well, I can assure you there are plenty of women out there who don’t desire children, and I was one of them. But what I have now come to realize is that it’s not that I don’t want children. I’m scared of motherhood, terrified that I will be a horrible mom. It’s not the kids that are the problem; it’s me.
Fast forward a few years…
My husband and I are in the process of becoming foster parents. Yeah, you read that right. Not only are we becoming parents, but we are going to parent children who come from hard places. Everyone tells me, “What you are doing is wonderful!” but I’m still terrified that I’m going to be a terrible mom, and the stakes are high with these kids. They’ve already seen hardship and trauma that I could never imagine, and I cannot understand why God has called a woman who had no desire for children to parent these wonderful kids.
And yet, He did. Through my time volunteering in our church youth group, through watching family friends who have fostered and adopted themselves, and through my time on the mission field, He exposed me to the idea of untraditional motherhood. I could be a mother in a way that was different from my previous ideas.
I had never thought of it before, but maybe the reason why traditional motherhood has never appealed to me is because I’m called to untraditional motherhood. I’m called to mother the children who, though they aren’t my own biologically, need loving parents, guidance, and ultimately, who need Jesus.
Whether a child lives in my house for a day, a month, a year, or longer, I know that God has called me to parent them like the untraditional mother that He has called me to be. Only He could take a woman who was anti-motherhood and transform her into a hopeful mother of children from hard places. When I was resistant and unsure what motherhood would look like for me, God made a way.
This is not to say that I won’t have biological children one day. I am more open to that now than I used to be, but what God has taught me is that untraditional motherhood, whether that is fostering, adopting, caring for struggling children in your church, or something else, is all valuable and necessary. He doesn't call all women to be mothers, and He calls some to traditional motherhood. Both of those are wonderful callings that we should celebrate. But for many, like me, He has a completely different plan altogether.
So here’s to all the untraditional mothers out there. God has called you to something special, and He has placed some wonderful children in your life. You and I are blessed with this difficult yet necessary calling, and I pray that God gives us many children.
Haylee Collins
Copyright © 2024 Haylee Collins - All Rights Reserved.
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