When Suffering Lingers

Full disclosure: this morning I cried in my bed because the roads were too frozen for me to go get my weekly “treat myself” coffee from our local Starbucks. At least, that’s why I thought I was crying. My husband took me to our bedroom, looked me in the eyes, and told me to just let out all the emotions I’ve been holding back for weeks. I’ve been tired, frustrated, and annoyed at everything and everyone. I don’t like myself, I don’t like my kids, I don’t like my life, and I feel like a failure. Oh… so I wasn’t crying over the coffee. 

January 1st brought hope because I began a new job, and I was ready to get a fresh start. By the time December of last year came along, I was burnt out, and I needed something new. My foster kiddos were emotional wrecks who needed constant attention and correction. My house was a mess. My job was miserable. The bright spots in my life were my husband and my church, and I am thankful for those people in my life who could see me struggling and offered love. But ultimately my problem was that I was running ragged with responsibilities. Trying to be everything for everyone only made me into nothing for nobody because I ended up isolating myself. 

I’m thankful for my new job, but it didn’t fix my overall problem of dissatisfaction and discontent. But I do know the One who can fix my problem. Only the Holy Spirit can truly work in my heart to help me overcome the deeper issue. This week both in my time at church and in my individual time with the Lord, the concept of my inability to do anything without the Holy Spirit’s power has consistently shown up. I cannot find contentment in exhaustion without Him. I cannot love my foster kiddos and husband the way they deserve without His help. I cannot overcome my selfish desires to have everything under my control without Him. 

I’m not coming to you today as someone who is at the end of the journey, but as someone who is in the trenches of difficulty. I’m really struggling right now, and I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel yet. I recently read a book by K.J. Ramsey called This Too Shall Last: Finding Grace when Suffering Lingers. In this book, she writes about the reality that often our suffering doesn’t have an end date. I recommend her book to anyone in the midst of suffering because she doesn’t try to explain or excuse suffering. Rather, she offers the unique (and Biblical) perspective that maybe suffering’s goal is to point us to the One who is with us in the midst of the suffering. 

She writes “Suffering does not have to be a barrier. It can be a continual reminder that there is no part of your life where Christ is not present. There is no place too low for him to stoop.” As I sit in my house, overwhelmed with life, I don’t have to make my suffering stop, but rather I need to let Jesus in to help me. He doesn’t promise to take it away, but He does promise never to leave me in the midst of it. He doesn’t promise that my tears will stop in this life, but He does promise that one day He will dry every tear when I am in His presence. I hold onto that hope when it seems like I have none left. 

When suffering lingers, and when I have no stamina left, the Holy Spirit is my strength. He will help me to take one step further, to wash the dishes, to do the laundry, to work my new job, to write the book, and to teach my kids. I cannot do it all myself, and I’m in the middle of learning that the hard way. My troubles are tarrying, and I do not see an end in sight. However, my hope lies, not in an end to the suffering, but in the fact that Jesus stoops down to my lowest points and comforts me. He is the constant. He is the rock. And He will one day wipe away every tear, even the tears about silly things like coffee.